Elder Allen sent this story to us today. He says it’s the funniest mission story yet. Enjoy!
So I don’t know really where to start, so I guess I will just do my best to tell this story about a man that we met.
So next door to one of our Ward Mission Leaders, there is this trailer, and he told us we should go meet him. So we do, he was a huge man with a beard like Brigham Young, and we set up a return appointment for the next day. (we should have set it up on Pday, because it is more of an activity than a lesson.)
Anyway so we get home that night and look in the area book, and we found his teaching record. Several missionaries had dropped him before, and one set said “go for mission stories, not baptisms.”
The next day he welcomes us in to his trailer, and immediately we are hit with one of the worst odors you could ever imagine. We tried to play it off and smile, but it was almost unbearable. It turns out that this man and his wife are extreme hoarders, and there were little pathways in between piles of junk that led from the kitchen to the bedroom/living room/vestibule. ahah.
We start talking to him and the first thing that he says to us is that “he would not be converted!” after giving us a little bit of his religious background he went immediately into his stories. It started off with a short 20 min story about how he has been the direct recipient of carbon monoxide poisoning for the last 20 years. He used a propane powered tile waxer inside a grocery story every night, and has been inhaling the fumes and how it effected his brain. He then went on to tell us about how the doctors couldn’t fathom how he was still alive because they had never seen such a severe case of carbon monoxide poisoning. He continued to tell us how he would not take any medicine that they would prescribe him, to save his life of course. Finally they convinced him to take this medication and he said it literally kept him awake for the next 2 weeks.
Then he told us how he had a gallbladder as big as his stomach that was filled with stones and such. He wouldn’t let them preform surgery! He is fine now. The doctors decided that this man was a marvel to modern medicine, so they had him come to the hospital and teach people how to mental fight pain. He then told us his technique, and it is literally too crazy to describe, like I don’t even know some of the English words that he used ahaha.
Right as I started to get used to the craziness/smell I had the living crap scared out of me. There were a couple of old mattresses leaning against the wall, and all of a sudden, the biggest house cat I have ever seen leaps from the rubble and lands on top of these mattresses. The thing was literally like 40 pounds, and as big as a cougar. It was sitting there staring at me for the rest of the lesson.
The story continues, and he starts talking about conspiracy theories. I have never heard such weird things in my life. He drifted from the Kennedy Assassination, to what the aliens are up to on the dark side of the moon, and to my personally favorite, how Obama is rallying ISIS troops in Riery, ID for an attack of Idaho Falls, ID! This guy was complete nuts! Ohh yeah, and according to this guy every single democrat is a terrorist by the way. hahaha.
Anyway, we were in there for an hour listening to that guy, and we don’t really plan on returning.
I miss and love all of you guys,